| Don't know what to say |
[Apr. 9th, 2010|07:41 pm] |
Sorry I haven't written on this blog in so long, Justin. I just don't know what to say on here anymore or what to use this for. You know how much I love you and always will, so I don't know what some typed words on here are worth. I can't believe this June will be 3 years since you left your body here. I miss you every second of every day and sometimes don't know how I'm going to live the rest of my life without you. It's just not fair what that horrible disease did to you and that it took you from us so soon. You would have done great things with your life and made a real difference. But please know, people will never forget you; you touched so many and changed the way people look and think about life. I miss you buddy.
Love, Dad |
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| Missing you terribly |
[Jul. 14th, 2009|12:33 pm] |
Justin, I am missing you terribly today, buddy. I wish I could just hug and kiss you one more time. You are the best son a dad could ever hope for.
Now that the nice weather is here, it reminds me of all the fun we used to have in the yard. I miss doing those father/son things with you, shooting hoops, playing tee-ball, driving the remote controlled cars in the driveway. Hey, remember how you, me and Casey would play tackle football in the living room? Remember how the end zone was the couch and you would jump right over me to get on it? That was fun. Your blue candle still shines each night in your window. I like coming home to see it glowing in the night. I finally got my Justin tattoo on my arm in your honor. I got it on the 2nd year of you leaving for Heaven. I know you've seen it, though, and think it's cool!
I love you, my son, my friend, my pal. I will see you again some day.
Love, Dad xoxo |
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| Happy Birthday Justin |
[Feb. 10th, 2009|09:05 am] |
Happy 9th birthday my sweet, sweet boy. Since you left there is a deep, deep hole in my heart that will never be filled. You are missed every second of every day. I love you so much. You are my hero.
Love, Daddy xoxoxo |
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| New Years Resolution |
[Jan. 2nd, 2009|03:45 pm] |
New Year's Resolution For Bereaved Parents
I resolve...
That I will grieve as much, and for as long, as I feel like grieving, and
that I will not let others put a time table on my grief.
That I will grieve in whatever way I feel like grieving, and I will ignore
those who try to tell me what I should or should not be feeling and how I
should or should not be behaving.
That I will cry whenever and wherever I feel like crying, and that I will
not hold back my tears just because someone else feels I should be "brave"
or "getting better" or "healing by now."
That I will talk about my child as often as I want to, and that I will not
let others turn me off just because they can't deal with their own feelings.
That I will not expect family and friends to know how I feel, understanding
that no one who has not lost a child cannot possibly know how it feels.
That I will not blame myself for my child's death, and that I will
constantly remind myself that I did the best job of parenting I could
possibly have done.
But when feelings of guilt are overwhelming, I will remind myself that this
is a normal part of the grief process and it, too, will pass.
That I will not be afraid or ashamed to seek professional help if I feel it
is necessary.
That I will commune with my child at least once a day in whatever way feels
comfortable and natural to me, and that I won't feel compelled to explain
this communion to others or to justify or even discuss it with them.
That I will try to eat, sleep, and exercise every day in order to give my
body the strength it will need to help me cope with my grief.
To know that I am not losing my mind, and I will remind myself that loss of
memory, feelings of disorientation, lack of energy, and a sense of
vulnerability are all normal parts of the grief process.
To know that I will heal, even though it may take a long time.
To let myself heal and not to feel guilty about feeling better.
And when I find myself slipping back into the old moods of despair and
depression, I will tell myself that "slipping backward" is also a normal
part of the grief process and these moods, too, will pass.
To try to be happy about something for some part of every day, knowing that
at first, I may have to force myself to think cheerful thoughts, so
eventually they may become a habit.
That I will reach out at times, and try to help someone else, knowing that
helping others will help me to get over my depression.
That even though my child is dead, I will opt for life, knowing that is
what my child would want me to do. |
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| 2nd Christmas without you |
[Dec. 22nd, 2008|08:55 pm] |
Justin, I can't believe this is my second Christmas without you here. I miss you so much. I think about you all the time and I don't think that's ever going to change. Why did this happen to you? Why did it have to be you? I'll never understand. I'm going to watch some videos of you tomorrow and do some much needed crying. I tend to bottle these feelings up sometimes and then have to get them out. Christmas will never be the same without you.
Love, Daddy |
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| September was Childhood Cancer Awareness month |
[Oct. 6th, 2008|10:33 am] |
September was Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. Did anyone see any yellow ribbons around?? Everywhere I look I see pink ribbons for breast cancer. Don't get me wrong, all cancers are horrible, but why is there no publicity for childhood cancer? I read on a Caring Bridge site that breast cancer receives $584 million in funding annually from NCI, $254 million for AIDS. Childhood cancer is currently only getting $26.4 million. Why is this?? Beautiful children are being stricken with this horrible disease every day, yet the funding is a fraction of what it should be. Increased awareness and funding has to be improved!!
What Cancer Cannot Do
It cannot cripple Love
It cannot shatter Hope
It cannot corrode Faith
It cannot destroy Peace
It cannot kill Friendship
It cannot suppress Memories
It cannot silence Courage
It cannot invade the Soul
It cannot steal Eternal Life
It cannot conquer the Spirit.
-Author Unknown
We finally had the opportunity to visit the McGowan family last month. It was so nice to spend some time with such a nice family. We got to meet little Dylan and Casey got to hang out with Miranda for the day. We hope to get the girls together more often...it'll be nice for them to have each other to lean on. We visited Matthew's resting place at the end of the day and left one of Justin's Jimmie Johnson cars for him.
On 9/29, Chili's restaurant donated 100% of it's profits to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital as part of their $50 million committment to the hospital over the next 10 years. Joel and I went out to eat that night with some friends that lost their teenage daughter to Neuroblastoma. It was a great meal and was it was nice to know the money was going to a great cause. We colored in some Chili peppers in memory of Alyssa and Justin.
Justin, I still struggle with the memories of your last few days with us here on Earth. I knew you had to leave, but it was excruciating to let you go. Some days, I still can't believe that this happened to you. I wish it was a dream. I'll never forget the last time I held you in my arms as I carried you outside, your body was still warm.. it felt like you were carrying me. It breaks my heart knowing all the things I'll never get to see you do... conquer the skateboard, play on a basketball team, drive a car, maybe play in school band and that I'll never get see you grow up to be a man. You would have been a great husband and father, I know it. I know you see me cry almost every day for you, buddy, it's because I miss you so much. You were one of a kind, my friend, you always knew how to make people smile and laugh. I would give anything to spend one more hour, one more minute with you.
Love, Daddy |
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| Casey is 12 ! |
[Aug. 11th, 2008|10:02 am] |
Hey Justin. Can you believe your big sister is 12 years old? I know, that's what I said! She misses you sooo much, buddy. I really wish you could be here with her at the birthday parties and everything. I know you're participating in your own way and watching over her, but boy would it be wonderful to see you jumping in the pool, whacking at the pinata, stuffing your face with ice cream and goodies... I guess I can only see these things in home videos and in my memories now. It's not fair, Justin. You were taken way too soon.
While on our trip to Niagara Falls, Casey and I let one of your Tech Deck dudes float away into the water from the Bridal Veil falls. We wanted to leave a part of you behind on our trip. Maybe one of the beautiful rainbows that appear over the falls will pick up that little Tech Deck dude and bring him up to you?
I love you, Justin, with all my heart. I would give anything to have you back in my arms once again.
Love, Daddy |
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| I miss you, Justin |
[Jun. 27th, 2008|02:58 pm] |
Justin, I long for the day when I can call out your name and you'll come running, jump in my arms and give me a huge hug and kiss! I'll run after you, pretending I can't catch up. When I finally do, I'll tickle you like crazy until you yell "dad, stop I'm going to pee!"
But until then, buddy, I will hold you close in my heart, cry tears of joy and sadness, dream of you, remember our happy times, communicate with you in our special ways (like all the signs you gave me yesterday) and just simply love you. Love you for everything that you were and everything you gave to me. You made me so proud, I miss you sooo much my buddy, my friend. You are with me always and forever.
Love, Daddy xoxo |
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| Landscaping at Cemetery |
[Jun. 3rd, 2008|02:08 pm] |
The anniversary of Justin's passing is in about 3 weeks. June 26. Although so much has happened this past year, it still seems like it went by SO quickly. We are all dealing with this heartbreak one day at a time. Although the grief may be a little "softer," it will never be easier.
Justin, you are so precious to me, and I love you so, so much. You are my hero and you changed my life forever; I am so happy that you are my son and I couldn't be prouder of you. I wish the time we had together on Earth wasn't so short, buddy. I bought you a butterfly bush and planted it next to your memorial. It will have blue flowers in the summer and will attract butterflies, hummingbirds and bees. Hopefully not too many bees, I know you don't like those.
Love, Daddy xoxoxo
Family and friends gathered yesterday to do some landscaping at Justin's resting place. We dug out all the old grass and put down new top soil and planted new seed. We planted a bunch of different annuals predominantly in blue and yellow (Jimmie Johnson colors, of course) in some nice mulch beds we created around the headstone and bench. It came out really great! Darlene had a great idea to build a race track around Justin's headstone. We're looking into different ways we could accomplish this. Once it's complete, I'll post some pictures on the site.
Casey will be in her summer ballet recital this month. This year the academy is doing a ballet version of "Wizard of Oz." Casey performs in 2 numbers this year, which is very exciting. She also has her piano recital coming up as well. She's been really busy getting ready for these events. She's wrapping up the 6th grade and did really terrific this year adjusting to school and getting excellent grades to boot!!
Some of us attended Childrens Hospital's "A Time to Remember," last week. It was a night to honor all of the patients of Boston Children's that passed away in the last year. The doctor's and nurses have a choir and they sang some beautiful songs, other doctor's read poems, played piano and violin. It really showed how much they all really cared about our children.
Sorry for not updating the site more often. I am still involved with icouldbeyourchild.org and do check in on the other families as often as I'm able. We have to believe that some day there will be a cure for this horrible cancer, and that no more children will die. We all must believe this.
~ Jeff |
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| Dana Farber Marathon Challenge |
[Apr. 18th, 2008|09:33 am] |
This Monday our friend Mike Doherty will be running the Boston Marathon for Dana Farber Cancer Institute again, this will be his 5th year running for DFCI. He will be running in Justin's memory this year. I attached a link below to an article about Mike and his fund raising efforts.
On Sunday, some of us will be going into Boston for the Pasta Party, which is held the day before the big race.
http://www.wickedlocal.com/tewksbury/fun/x1277308839
Hard to believe it's been almost 10 months since I lost my son to this horrible disease. Life is not the same without him here. I LOVE YOU JUSTIN, WITH ALL MY HEART!! We're having a spring cleanup day at the cemetery soon...we plan on landscaping and planting some bushes & plants to make Justin's resting place the most beautiful at Pinecrest. Casey continues to do well, and remains busy with school and her extra curricular activities. She's been attending "Good Grief," a class through HHHC for children who have lost a loved one. She likes the class a lot and told me last night she wished it wouldn't end (there's 3 more classes left.) There's a 12 year old boy in her class that lost his older brother about a year ago. Casey enjoys his company and they share some laughs together, which is nice to hear.
Thank you for continuing to keep Justin's memory alive and well...
~ Jeff |
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justinsfund's journal